Standing Tall With a Cold and a Camera

How Telling the Truth Taught Me to Be Afraid of the Camera

Last Sunday, I recorded six videos.

That sentence still feels unreal to type.

Recording myself has always been hard. I’d do one video, maybe publish it, maybe not, then sit in anxiety like I’d just handed my nervous system a live wire.

Most people with stage fright are afraid of being judged or hated.
Mine is different.

Years ago, I realized I was afraid of being caught in a lie I didn’t tell.

When I was 14, I moved into my dad’s house. His soon-to-be wife did horrible things to me and my brother. I talked about it at school because what else does a kid do with pain that big?

A few years later, a friend met my stepmother. One day, while I was telling another story, my friend said, “I know you’re not lying… I just can’t see her doing those things. She seems like such a good person.”

And just like that, I lost my friend. I didn’t lose her physically, but I lost the version of her I could talk to.

After that, opening up felt dangerous. Telling the truth felt risky. Not because I doubted myself, but because I learned that truth doesn’t always survive other people’s comfort.

I eventually found my voice again. In the military. After the military. In life. In writing. In running a business. In closing a nine-year massage practice and starting something new. In publishing three books. In writing every week.

My voice got strong.

But the camera?
The stage?
That part of me stayed quiet.

Then last Sunday, I said, “Fuck it. Let’s do it.”

I set up my imperfect little recording space and hit record.

And somehow… I wasn’t scared.

I even talked about being scared in one of the videos, mostly because I thought I should be. But I wasn’t. I felt steady. Calm. Like my body had finally decided we were safe.

So I kept going.

Six videos.
Six times choosing my voice.
Six times not hiding.

The next day, I got sick. First cold since 2015.

Of course.

My body was like, “Alright, that was a lot. Let’s process.”

Even coughing, even sniffling, even sounding like a walking tissue commercial, I scheduled the videos anyway.

Now one is live. Two are scheduled. More are waiting their turn.

And here I am.
Standing tall.
Proud.
With maybe a little snot still hanging out of my nose.

Growth isn’t always pretty.
Sometimes it looks like courage… with tissues.